How I Forced Myself To Let Go Of My Ex After A Year Of Holding On

I broke up with my ex, high, while camping, on our exactly 2.5 year anniversary. I had not previously loved anyone to the depths I loved him, nor had I had a relationship in which I felt fulfilled in so many ways. Personality-wise, we are extremely compatible. Even looking at our birth charts - Capricorn/Aquarius galore, the both of us. I used to describe him as a male version of myself.

I held onto our shared sense of humour. How his voice sounded when he called me 'baby.' The way his eyes would roll back when I was on top. His playfulness - how he went "nyroooooom" to imitate cars to make me laugh. When he said his whole day would be ruined if he accidentally stepped on a caterpillar on the sidewalk.

Any time I went for a walk, I carried him with me. When it rained, I carried him with me. I carried him with me anywhere I went in the city because we made so many memories here. 

Despite meeting someone who could go deeper with me emotionally, who I felt the most intense physical and energetic connection with, I could not and would not let go. Almost every moment of every day throughout the year, my heart ached for him. No matter the rituals I did, the energetic cord cutting, the amount of times I told myself we didn't want the same things, the reminders of how he hurt me in a way that felt like absolute betrayal or how I hurt him due to my shortcomings.

(My perspective) I believe he was not letting go either. I knew he was looking at what I posted and went through cycles of blocking and unblocking him. I wanted to prove I was free and detached and didn't need to block him, and in some moments I was. In the moments I made the decision to unblock, I felt I had let go. I made Playlists directed at him, and he started to make some back. I blocked and unblocked him on that app too.

I felt since he had access to my emotional processing but I had such little indication from him that I needed to know what his process over the year had been. I believed that I needed to be honest with him. So I reached out.

Because we are so similar, we went through very parallel things over the year, as we often did. I asked him to share more depth with me, and he did. We talked very candidly about our feelings and got some catharsis from the conversation. And as we were wrapping up to say goodbye again, a part of me felt like it wasn't enough.

It would have been the 'healthy' and composed ending. I couldn't leave it at that. Maybe it's the chaos in me, but maybe that chaos isn't wrong. 

I was honest with him. I told him there was no expectation or goal other than the absolute compulsive feeling I needed to tell him the truth. I couldn't leave it unsaid. 

I told him I still thought about travelling with him. About building the life we talked about but that I never believed we could have together. He has too much to lose, and I don't commit to what I don't feel certain about. I told him that, either way, that life now doesn't exist without this other person I met. 

ChatGPT told me the other week that my biggest flaw is that I don't often take irreversible action toward my goals, despite talking up a storm about how much I want to achieve them. It said I leave myself a back door, preferring to live in the 'about to' rather than committing to the transformation. It said, before changing my whole life like I talk about, to practice it in smaller ways. So I have been. 

I've told people things I wouldn't normally say. I've forced myself to look deeper at my habits. At the places where I am the problem. At areas of growth that I've kept hidden from myself because I subconsciously believed I am a bad person.

After I did this, I listened to a podcast episode from Back from the Borderline about the practice of Chöd (you can listen to my podcast episode where I actually am talking directly through my processing.) I smoked weed and told my shame and fear that I would feed them my ego. That I wanted to connect with them. And I transformed. 

I believe it was a couple days later when my ex responded. He was angry, like I expected. He felt a lot of things. He said things that are incredibly valid. He told me (very diplomatically) not to reach out again.

And when I read his message, I did feel pain. But that was not the first or most prominent thing I felt. I felt relief. I felt validation for the other part/s of me who knew this would be the exact outcome. I felt grateful for the part of me that needed that to be expressed in order to fully let go. For the forced letting go. 

Most of all, though, I felt a lack of shame. That was the absolute biggest thing I noticed. And when I noticed that, I felt such a deep love and gratitude for myself. Maybe deeper than I have ever felt. I cried so hard. And I laugh-cried. I talked to myself in the mirror. I rubbed my hand on my chest and comforted myself. 

And I felt so happy.

Since then, I have not felt the same yearning, the same pull, the same pangs, the same missing him I did every single day for the entire year. I still think of him, and I anticipate grief will come around again in a different way at some point. In moments, I still feel a type of sadness. But it has profoundly transformed. 

Before I received his response, I unblocked him on The Appz. And since, I haven't even felt an urge to look at his. To check if he blocked me. To check if he has posted anything. To look at what music he's listening to.

He is one of the best people I have ever met. He did a lot for me throughout our relationship. 

Meeting someone who feels like a mirror soul and having to let them go is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. 

Once I came into connection with myself, through nervous system regulation, through feeling, through "God," through embracing the darkness, I could let him go. 

And I imagine this was the final piece for him too.

Final Piece for Final Peace. <333