On Saltburn and Evil People

And, by the way, I have been to Hell. In many ways. Once to have an orgy with Lilith, Lucifer, and some of their friends. A pocket of the Universe that came to me in the recesses of my brain. But there would be people who tell me that's not real. It's imagined. And I'm actually getting tired of feeling the need to defend my beliefs. If someone can't understand the EXCRUCIATING VASTNESS of All There Is, I cannot explain it to them. It's something that needs to be Experienced. Felt. Which is one of my goals for this website. For people to EXPERIENCE what it's like to understand that we ARE the Creators of our own lives here on Earth. And wherever else we are or have been or will be. All of this through finally just allowing myself to be. To be authentic, to be messy, to Be God. Through the imperfection, without holding on to Shame as a crutch. I have gotten to the Player behind the Player stage (out of infinite, surely) - there are still many kinks I'm trying to work out (not those kind this time), but I have actually detached further from having to constantly and rigidly Monitor and Police myself - terrified others will see that I'm imperfect, messy, human - even though they do still see that, albeit, dressed up in a way that, to me, felt like it gave me some sense of control. But people don't perceive us how we want them to. They generally perceive us through their own lens - which we cannot control.

Anyway, how does this all relate to Saltburn? I have watched that movie six and a half [>;)] times since it came out. The first time I watched it was in theatres, by myself. I was in absolute awe, stricken by such wonder, so many feelings, and a sense of being Seen in a way I never had before, even by myself. I grew up dreaming of being on a stage, playing my favourite guitar solos with Billie Joe, my current and previous Unrequited Crushes of the Month staring up at me from the crowd. As far as I can remember, I felt an empty void inside me. Since I was a child, I have used romantic validation as a distraction from the aching emptiness inside me. From the Badness, the Dirtiness, the Shame I felt about myself. I never believed in my dreams. I have lived my life on autopilot, unaware that I am not the Powerless Victim I believed I was. All of that is a clever Illusion I trapped myself in. For what purpose? And did I alone trap myself there? These are complicated questions that will be unravelled throughout this Multidisciplinary Project - this Study of Myself, My Becoming.

Evil is subjective. I can imagine this may feel uncomfortable to read and that some people may not be able to accept this. I have mentioned in my Podcast that Objective Truth does not exist. There are deeds that are shocking and horrendous and painful and violent and hurtful. There is one incident I read about probably over 10 years ago now at this point that, still, whenever I think about it, I feel vile inside. But the people who perpetuated that violence had their own perspectives and experiences too. Their own patterns and instincts that we maybe do not understand. I have, momentarily, felt what would be appealing to a masked killer - the Chase, the Power, the Control - and come out the other side with a fuller understanding of myself, the world, the universe. 

To be clear, I am a person who believes that wars, genocide, poverty, and suffering are not too much longer for this world and that I have a vital role, as do we all, to play in synthesizing more Love on Earth, in the Universe, etc. I believe we can live in joy and fulfillment. But, to me, it doesn't look how many people may conceptualize, and my part in it is uniquely my own, based on my connection with God. It no longer looks like policing myself or other people. It no longer looks like acting out of obligation or guilt or shame. It no longer looks like going without, just because other people are. It does look like continuous learning and growth, which necessitates freedom from Shame - not to no longer feel that emotion, necessarily, but to feel it with curiosity, rather than giving control over to it and allowing it to keep me frozen - constantly in fear of what other people think of me, how other people feel about me, what other people want from me, from my performance.

Speaking of performances - Oliver Quick. This is not how I imagined this piece of writing to go. You see, when I was Inspired to write it, the Feeling was just there. And if I don't immediately act on it to completion, it shifts and changes, and this Creation then Morphs into something different than what I had anticipated in that Fleeting Moment. Am I procrastinating putting into words how I feel about Oliver? It feels like a difficult thing to capture.

When I watched Saltburn, I felt absolutely Enamored with Oliver. Both by his Brilliance and by his Naivety. By his Confidence and his Insecurity. By my own confusion about his true motives, if he even knew them himself. This movie for me was such a raw exploration of the desperation of fitting in, of filling a void, of relentlessly and ruthlessly pursuing one's goals, when those goals are actually unclear within oneself, competing internally, fragmented. And I felt Euphoric, like a sigh of relief, witnessing a struggle that, in some ways, mirrored my own. The Mask, the Manipulation, getting Oliver some of what he wanted, but not quite. He, like me, was so caught up in a perspective of people and the world, which he brought into being. Despite the feeling of Freedom at the end of the movie, this is only a version of the 'ending' Oliver yearned for. A perspective of freedom. And even this 'one' perspective contains multitudes. Oliver is Alone. Like he "wanted." And Oliver is surrounded by all he Wanted. All he Worked For. 

And all that work he did? Inspiring. Attractive. Erotic. Ugly. Violent. Captivating. Frustrating. Full. Empty. Complex.

Oliver wanted to change his life, to become someone different, or to uncover who he truly was. And he thought the way to do so was to 'fit in' with people who he did not truly resontate with. The feeling of being Wanted, Accepted, Loved, Needed, to have someone Mirror your essence back to you, is Powerful. So powerful that we accept distortions of it, thinking this is as good as it gets. Feeling High off of saying or doing the right thing to make people laugh, to have people like us, to see someone look at me as if I'm untouchable. But the people who mirror it back to us are not always mirroring our true reflection. What is Mirrored is who we Become in order to attain this false sense of Connection, additionally filtered through each person's own lens - we start to believe this is who we truly are. 

 This post has taken months to write (even though most of it was written all at once/close together), and it does not capture all I wanted. It feels messy and a bit disorienting. But maybe that is how it needs to be. I don't think this is the last time I will speak to my Love for this movie or this character, so I can feel free to release this out into the world even with the feeling that it is incomplete.

Anyway, enjoy my Oliver Quick costume - I feel such a sense of kinship to him and am incredibly attracted to him because I see so much of myself in him. <333